There’s a line in a song that says, “Fear, he is a liar…” Makes me think. Is there truth to that? As I think about fear, I struggle with this lyric….
“Logical Fears?”
Yes, I have a fear of spiders! Is that a “logical” fear? Maybe. Sometimes. But mostly No. My fear of spiders is not due to the fact that the spiders in my basement are poisonous and I might die if one of them bites me. There ARE poisonous spiders, and they can make people very sick, and some are even lethal, but my fear is…ummm, that they will crawl up my pants, and I will maybe dance and scream and look like a complete weirdo to the neighbors and anyone that might see this hilarious-yet-mortifying scene.
“Help, I’m falling!” Have you ever woken up from a dream falling, falling, falling, just about to hit the bottom and WHAM! you wake up? The fear of heights, the fear of falling….this seems like a “logical fear”.
My son has a fear of heights (well at least he used to until he started working on rooftops). I remember him as a little child walking far away from the edge of a railing just to not have to look down; there was NO chance of falling in this case. No, the fear of heights is not a “logical fear”. However, the fear of heights saves lives! It causes people to be cautious when hiking in the mountains or near a dangerous ravine. It has also saved people from jumping to their death when looking down from a tall structure or bridge. In this case, I’m thankful for that fear.
FEAR OF FAILURE!
….And there it is, the BIG one, the FEAR OF FAILURE! This is the one I struggle with most. I believe that all the other “fears” in my life stem from this one. They all go deeper. My fear of spiders is really a fear of failure, failure to be able to put on the mask and “suck it up”. These days society looks down upon failure of any sort. You have to be strong, you have to be successful, failure is NOT an option. That terrifies me! I have failed so many times and in so many ways. Sam’s Smile is often a mask, a fake smile. I hurt, but I smile. I say that “I’m fine” when I’m not. Yes, one more failure to add to my list.
A few years ago, my husband and I started a business, “Tandem 23 BBQ”. We had big dreams for this business and went to the accountant, bought a trailer to house his massive smokers, and made it a reality. After doing a few tiresome events, with Dan working 60 hours a week on the railroad and chronic illness stepping into my life, we had to shut down shop….failure. However, a few days ago, we sat looking back at pictures of the events and the joyful times we had with our kids all serving – there were genuine smiles all over the place in those pictures and in our memories. Was it really a failure? In the books (and our pockets) yes, but this “failure” taught us so much and brought us so much joy.
Chronic illness….ugh! Failure at it’s best. I have had 2 different diagnoses – one found in the midst of 50 plus scans and tests, and one found by blood work which turned out to be “false positive”. The total in scans and tests has reached nearly 70! and I can’t even count the number of times my poor puny veins (and I mean that – stinks to have tiny veins!) have had to be poked. After treatment for the first diagnosis, limbic encephalitis, the antibody wreaking the havoc and causing scary, horrible symptoms disappeared – Praise God – I’m cured!…..until about 6 months after my last treatment….here come the symptoms back again….my greatest fear, my failure! “I must suck it up and put on a smile because I can’t do this search again” were the constant thoughts running through my mind. Fast forward a year later and another diagnosis (proven false positive by one of the best doctors at Mayo Clinic) and I am still struggling to understand the havoc going on in my body. Constant strange things continue to haunt me. So much fear of the unknown. HOWEVER, again, through this process, this failure, I look back and find so much joy. I have learned so much through this uncertain time of “failure”. Not only that, my marriage has grown and I have realized the love that my husband has for me – real love, and that surely brings joy. We make the best of the doctors appointments and find many new “hidden” places of enjoyment along the way. It’s been a roller coaster ride, that’s for sure, but I’m so glad to be on this roller coaster with my best friend. This fear of never feeling like my “old self” again may never go away, but the fear of failure in this case is a liar…..
FEAR….HE IS A LIAR!
After adding up all the different fear in my life, I have come to a conclusion that, logical or not, fear IS a liar! Sometimes it’s necessary to feel the fear, but listening to his voice and dwelling upon it is dangerous. I also realize that speaking your fears out loud is healthy and helps not only for growth, but to find what you are passionate about. Passions lead to success, NOT failure! Now that’s a reason to smile!