I cry. Yes, that’s a fact. I cry. A lot. I cry when I am sad. I cry when I am happy. I cry when I see someone else cry. I cry when I am overwhelmed. I cry when I am angry. I cry when I feel sick. I cry when I am overjoyed. I cry for no reason at all. I cry when I hear a song that has a special meaning. I cry when I read a book that is emotional. I cry when a bride walks down the isle, even if I don’t even know her. Yes, I cry.
What is wrong with me?!
I have spent so much time apologizing for my tears and feeling embarrassed by my emotions. For years I wondered why this was happening to me and how I could stop it. I would sit in church or at a movie and make myself think of something like the smell of pizza or the things I had to do the next day – things without meaning so that I wouldn’t cry. So many times I would put on my sunglasses to hide the tears and black eyes showing off my smeared mascara.
Limbic Encephalitis
In the end of 2018 I was diagnosed with Limbic Encephalitis. After years of fighting these strange symptoms, I finally found a doctor who located an antibody fighting my LGI1 gene and my limbic system. Finally, a reason for the crying! Your limbic system is the system in your body that controls your emotions. My own body was fighting my emotions and my muscles and my memory. Not only did this cause me to cry, but I would get angry and forget things. I also started having “focal seizures”. Talk about scary! But finally came the relief that my crying and “messed up emotions” finally had some meaning behind them. Well, long story short, I had some strong infusion treatments and I am happy to say that the crazy antibody that was wreaking havoc in my body is GONE! Yep, you guessed it, TEARS of joy! However, the antibody is gone…..but the crying? ….Nope! – Sam still cries! A lot!
I CRY because I CARE!
I care. I am sensitive. I am passionate. When I see something unjust that makes me angry, I cry. When I see something that makes me elated, tears of joy stream. Sometimes the tears come from way down deep – a place where there are hurts or pains or emotions that I don’t even know are there. I am learning that we all have a story, and my tears and crying are part of my story. A big part of my story. So, are my emotions “messed up”? I don’t think so. I think the word is empathetic or sympathetic or maybe just vulnerable. That’s me, and I’m learning to be proud of my tears. I’m also learning that if something makes me cry, there is meaning behind it and I need to do something about whatever it is making the tears rush.
Do Something!
So I wear my tears with pride knowing that those tears are potentially the beginning something incredible. Matthew West wrote a song, “Do Something” where he talks about taking action. God created my emotions to bring tears to stir up an awareness of something deep inside of me….not to feel sorry for myself. As a matter of fact, I don’t cry so much when I am going through my own storms. I am a “bottler” – I keep those emotions stuffed inside (not healthy, I would NOT recommend this, and I am working on changing this) and it’s not until someone else is going through something that I feel the need to cry. I am thinking hard on those tears and trying to use my own stormy past to “do something” with those tears. I’m pretty sure that’s why God allowed those dark, tough events to take place in my life. The parts of my story where I can help others not just by crying for them, but where I actually take the time to think about the tears and what I can do about the feelings that they represent. So, Sam is a cryer, and proud of it! I’m not going to sit and dwell on the past and cry about it, I am going to “Do Something”!
YOU can Cry Too!
I love to help others…add to that the fact that I am an emotional person, I’m asking you to let ME help YOU! Please comment below (or wherever you see a place to comment on this post) something that makes you cry – tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of struggle – it doesn’t matter! Yes, share your story and I can share mine, we can help each other and know that we are not alone in our tears – let’s not just cry, let’s DO SOMETHING! Please help make Sam Smile (and cry – lol)